| Food for Thought |
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7/14/08 at 1pm
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It's July, and I go to summer school, and well, I don't know. I honestly have no idea what to say here. I just want to say things, but I'm afraid that once I get started, I won't be able to stop. Again. I don't want to repeat the same mistakes. I just want to learn to think positive, and not be such a . . . what, I forgot the saying. Gloomy Gus.
I really should learn to become a better person. I think one of the main problems I have is my temper. I have a habit of getting worked up easily and taking things too seriously. I don't know, I don't want to be like this anymore. I want to change. I'm trying right now to forget about my PE shorts problem. And guess what? The culprit is the same person who's caused me pain for the last year. Huh. I just want to tell her how I feel, how I really dislike what she's been doing to me without even knowing it. But how? Do I just go up to her and say:
"For the past year, you've been hurting me a lot, but I didn't say anything because I didn't want to hurt our friendship and be alone. So I'll tell you right now that I'm really, really angry at you and that you've killed me emotionally. Ha, who knew, right?"
...Yeah. Right.
What is there to do? I don't know. I'm just going to forget. I want to forget. I have to forget.
I have to forget you.
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| I hate summer. |
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6/13/08 at 8pm
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 ecstatic |
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No, I don't. I just hate it when I have nothing to do.
I couldn't buy Metal Gear Solid IV. It was sold out. So I'll have to try tomorrow.
There is a fire in a nearby town so the sky is all dreary and yellow and musky and the moon is . . . last time I checked, pink. Fire is such an amazing force, but also extremely destructive.
Uh haha, I'm an idiot. I forgot why I even started this entry.
Oh yeah, I was reading my old entries and I feel like I've been venting out too much here. As much as you are a personal outlet for my feelings, I still want to fill you up with happiness and love and joy as well!
So I'll start by saying that I love my friends! Especially Janet and Shannon! Ha-ha. Shannon helps me with love a lot, so I'm forever grateful to her. If only she'd learn not to tease.
I love my family even though we fight a lot and don't always get along. We still love each other. We just have to learn that when the going gets tough, the tough get . . . calm? I don't know.
I love Roy! Ha-ha, of course this would end up with that. Um. Uh. What do I say? I don't know. Have a nice summer. See you in eighth grade, or over the break!
Okay. I just really had to talk (at least a little) about Roy.
I'll be going now.
Peace out.
J
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| Bad Luck Comes in Many Forms. |
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6/13/08 at 12pm
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mood |
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hopeful |
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music |
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hikari orchestral, blue mind |
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Today is Friday the 13th, a notoriously "unlucky" day in superstition, and it is also the first day of summer for me. School ended yesterday, and oddly it was not as emotional as I expected it to be. Of course I was sad, but there was some sort of excitement and joy and accomplishment and ecstasy that kept me from tearing up. This year has been such a whirlwind adventure for me, and I know that everyone says that, but really, I've changed so much throughout the course of this school year that I cannot even start to comprehend who I was in the beginning of it all. How could I have been such a clueless brat? I feel so ashamed to be the same person as that, but then again, I'm not the same person anymore. I'm different, but I still have a long way to go before I'm who I want to be, truly.
Right now I'm listening to the orchestrated version of Hikari from Kingdom Hearts. I love this song, it's so touching and is a great song. :) It just gives me shivers to watch the performance for Video Games Live, with the Disney segments in the back. Life is such an adventure and everyone's come such a long way! Starting from Walt Disney and the little-known Mortimer Mouse who soon became known worldwide as Mickey Mouse . . . it's really interesting to see how everything progressed, eh?
Wait, the reason why there aren't any scenes from the game is because Square Enix wouldn't let them use it. Um, but still, it's a fantastic song.
The song's beginning reminds me of Kingdom Hearts II and how crazy I was for it, that I was willing to buy a PlayStation 2 even though I already have a PlayStation 3 just to play it. How I wasted around $300 because my obsession had taken over. How foolish I was to do so. But still, how great it felt to play the game, despite all the insane lengths I went to in order to be able to really see the look on Roxas's face without having to go on YouTube and scour for them myself. How I saw Sora's journey along with Roxas's. How I began to really appreciate Sora and like him (but not love him).
Well back to school. I got totally off topic.
Seventh grade was erratic. It was weird. In the beginning I only felt sadness and sorrow. I never truly felt happy. My life just felt like it had been ripped apart, and I was trying to put the pieces back together, but everything was too mangled to fix even if I tried so hard. And after Sakurako emerged, things got thirteen times worse. The fall and winter of 2007 wasted away, and I entered 2008 with the thought that things would either stay the same or get worse.
I had no idea how wrong I was.
I've had my fair share of bad luck. Hell, no, that's wrong. I'm bad luck on two legs. Shizuka-san and I played Wishbone with tree twigs during PE free period and I lost even when she purposely gave me the longer side. I only won when the twig was extremely long on one side and tiny on the other, and even sometimes with the long side Shizuka-san got the other half. My judgment is so poor, I've constantly been told that the road less traveled is more worthwhile in the end, so I always take that advice and do the harder thing because I think that in the end thing will work out better. But no, it doesn't! I guess I've just been so down this year that I've forgotten how to make the right choices. Well not really, but yeah, I still made that PlayStation 2 mistake.
As always, things got better during the final quarter of school. I felt happier. Sakurako was still on my case, but it was less severe. Life seemed a bit lighter. I created goals. I have (?) a reason to live.
And even though this year consisted of a very long emotional state of depression, at the end of that dark, hopeless tunnel was a place of happiness and light and optimism. My closest friends got me out of that slump. Sakurako has caused me pain she wasn't even aware of, yet we got very close this year and she's taught me a lot. Maybe life isn't such a waste of time after all. There's always something to do. If there's a will, there's a way.
Noooo I don't want to sound so depressing and philosopher-esque and all old wise guru.
The air smells like summer.
I want to cry.
From happiness and sadness!
I survived the worst and best school year of my life.
I don't know what other people went through - I'm sure they've been through as much as I have, maybe even more
- but I know that this year is unforgettable.
And now I have time to focus on what's important.
My writing: I haven't written full-heartedly in so long. I've had barely any time, and when I did have time, I spent it playing video games. So now that I have a lot of time on my hands, I will continue writing.
My life goals: What do I want?
My identity: Who am I? Who do I want to be?
My friends: How can I make it up to them for all the cruel things I've done without my knowing? How can I show them that I'm sorry? How can I prove to them that I truly do love and care about them? That I'd do anything - close to anything - for them? How can I show them that they've saved my lives multiple, amazing times?
My boy: How can I get over him? How can I fall in love with him? How can we ever truly know what is going to happen between us? Is this a star-crossed love? Or is it one-way, doomed, or just an illusion? How can I find out the truth?
My peers: How can I show that I'm not always such a bitch? How there's a deeper side to me that no one else can imitate?
The people I admire or want to befriend: How can I gain their trust?
The things I want to do: What must I do to achieve my goals?
The lives I want to live: What risks do I have to take to go for what I dream?
The lives I want to heal: What sort of emotional understanding must I master to help them relieve their lives?
The lives I want to change: How can I show them that even though I'm not the Savior, I'm here to save?
My life: What is it all about?
Purpose: What is it?
Questions are better answers than answers themselves ;)
Good luck in the future, graduates. You deserve it.
-j bay bay
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| It's not the End, it's the Beginning! |
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6/11/08 at 4pm
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So it's been another whirlwind school year, and it's finally coming to a close tomorrow, June 12th, 2008. And oh Lordy, what a year it has been! 2007-2008 certainly has been a very life-changing time, and I'm so proud that I survived everything and that I still have some sort of life left for me to live.
First of all, I started out this year knowing next to nothing about what was going to happen, and how much I would change. I won't lie - my first day of school was bluntly horrible and I could already foresee my seventh grade future would be as horrible and lifeless as my first day. You know how it goes - your year depends on what happens on New Year's Day! - but for me this was not the case. Bad things happened, but nothing amazingly life-damaging or traumatizing. Well, the Sakurako Issue is still in hand, but since I am in a great mood (or somewhat great mood) right now, I'm going to say that my love life isn't as bad as I thought it was ;)
I started out on August 24th, 2007, or so, as a completely anti-perverted, sixth-grade-nostalgic, idiotically-in-love-without-clarification 12 year old, and I didn't really care too much about anything other than going back to sixth-grade and fixing the mistakes I had made. But the thing about mistakes is that you have to learn from them! And as much as I was and still am told that, it's hard for me to fix my habits. I'm the type of person who sulks and gets all angry and vents and doesn't relieve stress the right way. But - while she has given me indescribable pain and grief and regret this whole school year - Sakurako thought me that even though life may be bad, you're just wasting even more time moping about it and being sad. So I'm going to turn my life around, or try to. Ha-ha, this is the one thing that I'm not going to give up on. I usually give up on all the writing I do, but this is something crucial. If I am not able to do this, then I don't think I'll be able to survive.
Compared to what I was back then, now I am a perverted, seventh-grade-loving, very-much-in-love-with-clarification 13-year old. :) See how much has changed since then? And think waaaaay back to when I was a sixth-grader! I knew nothing about sex, love, true problems, or anything like that all! However, as time passed, I changed and changed and made mistake after mistake after mistake, and while I do regret all the bad things I irrationally did, it's not the end of the world - just yet! So what if I'm not perfect? You aren't either. Nobody is. And starting from today, I am going to do all that I can to be who I want to be, and live the Good Life. :) And the Good Life means . . . the way I am meant to live. And that, my friends, is up to the future to decide.
The most defining thing about this year was my love life. I mean, last year it was still there but not as dire. This year it was a big issue. Starting from October after the Sakurako Incident, my life seemed to fall into a standstill. I was sad. I felt hopeless. It was like watching my life pass before me, and there was nothing I was proud of at all. I was torn between being true to my heart and doing what I wanted to yet hurting my friend's feeling, or pretending that nothing was wrong and that I was fully behind my friend with her infatuation while destroying myself and our friendship. I chose option 2, believing that it would somehow make us closer. We weren't as good friends back then as we are now, and I didn't want to mar any chances of a deeper friendship. Also, I wasn't ready to tell the truth, especially to someone I wasn't extremely close to. Also, perhaps by helping my friend, I would be able to get over my "silly little crush" and find someone more reasonable. But still, it isn't as easy as it sounds. Love is a nasty little mess, and once you've fallen into it, it's a thousand times harder to fall out of it. Anyways, how do you "fall out" of anything? If only life were that easy . . .
Well things aren't that bad now. My love life is still not that great, but it's definitely improved since then. Friends are a major part of life, as with love, and it's hard to be able to balance both when you have each. What a cheese ball I must sound like right now, but really, I don't know how to choose between true friends or true love. It's hard.
The Sakurako Issue was the only true "friend problem" I had this year, a huge improvement after last year's April Fools' Incident. I'm not going to talk about that.
I am mostly happy with my life as it is. I've been through my share of bad times, but I've also been happy. Life is a roller coaster ride. You have to get used to its ups and downs. You have to embrace the darkness to see the light. Get it? Life has two sides to it. I want to get those sides to be harmonious with each other. And - especially for me - there is darkness and light in every person. Some maybe more of one, or more of the other. I think that I'm pretty well balanced with evil and good, but maybe that sense of good and evil is fading. I don't know, life is obscure at times and you aren't sure of what to do or what to think. Life is one big TV drama. Which part will you play? What's your story? Who's your character? What is the role of your character? In order to live a good life, you have to assume an important role in that drama. You have to a character that the show will be nowhere without.
Seven is a lucky number, after all. And seven (a lucky number) plus six (an unlucky number) equals thirteen (a famously unlucky number). I don't know what eighth grade will be like, but this time I know better than to reminisce constantly about the past and yearn for it to come back again. Now I'm going to look to the future and to the 'now', and be happy with what I have and not with what I could have. It's about the present, it's about what's going to happen, not what already happened! I'm excited for whatever my future has in store for me, and you should be too. Only then can you really see what life is about.
So tomorrow after school, while others are crying and screaming and laughing and smiling and saying good-bye, I am going to think about my past year and kiss everything good-bye. I don't want to live in the past anymore. I don't want to have anymore regrets. I am going to look at everyone. I am going to remember everything, every moment I've shared with them, and smile and store it into the back of my mind for safe-keeping. I am going to let go of my previous ideas of people, things, places, and begin a new outlook on life. Summer is going to be a time of absolute change. Summer is a great time. And while the living may not always be so easy, it certainly is a wonderful journey to behold!
I am going to rethink everything and ask myself, 'Am I happy with this? Am I going to regret it in the future, or be proud of it?' and make sure that nothing is wasted. And then I'll kiss everything good-bye! Good-bye everyone.
I'm sure we'll be kissing and smiling and laughing together sometime in the future. And if not, then I guess that's just how it's mean to be, right? Our destinies will collide and we'll know what to do.
We're living a drama without a script. A book without a plot. Walking down a road without an end.
Here's to the future . . . and here's to the past . . . -Miuccia P.S. Expect more tomorrow, if possible. I'm going to start using this again, especially during the summer! :D See you later! |
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| TIME |
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4/13/08 at 10pm
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mood |
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thankful |
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I love you.
I love all of you.
Thank you so much, words can't even explain it.
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ashotaslove's journal
